


Take Me To Church

by FanFicReader01



Category: Poets of the Fall
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Homophobia, Implied Murder, Love, M/M, Sad, Someone dies, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, im sorry, implied suicide, markus is implied, religion is a bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 04:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13605621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFicReader01/pseuds/FanFicReader01
Summary: Inspired by Take Me To Church by Hozier (bless this song <3)





	Take Me To Church

**Author's Note:**

> Finally I've finished this fic.  
> I'm sorry if some parts feel rushed, that's because i really wanted it off my to-write list ><  
> I've been working on this for quite some time and then i put it on hiatus for a long time (happened like, twice or even thrice) but here it is, finally!  
> Hope you enjoy still.

**_My lover's got humour_ **

**_She's the giggle at a funeral_ **

**_Knows everybody's disapproval_ **

**_I should've worshipped her sooner_ **

 

A young, blond man sits in the front row. What is he doing here? Why is he here?

Why has his life turned this black all of a sudden? Even everyone’s clothes are black here.

Suddenly the empty chair next to the man gets occupied. A taller man has sat down.

 “What are you doing here?” the blond asks confused.

“I wanted to check on you, Olli. And I wanted to see how things were going. Isn’t it funny?”

 “What’s funny? This isn’t funny.”

“A very catholic ritual for an atheist,” the other man says with a soft chuckle as he now crosses his arms.  “How ironic.”

 

Olli knows the man sitting next to him is right. Jani never believed in any god. Much like Olli himself.

Not only is it the clash of beliefs that’s ironic. Olli wonders how many people, who are present, actually mourn. How many people are secretly glad yet another ‘filthy sinner’ is gone for good? Olli’s afraid the real number will make him puke.

 

“I bet they all hate me,” the man speaks up. When Olli turns his head, the man has vanished.

Suddenly the room has become too claustrophobic. The young man needs some air.

Once he’s outside in the cool winter air, he stares up at the sky. He starts laughing. Almost maniac laughter. Than his cackle cracks and it turns into uncontrollable sobbing. Countless tears stream down his face.

**_If the heavens ever did speak_ **

**_She's the last true mouthpiece_ **

**_Every Sunday's getting more bleak_ **

**_A fresh poison each week_ **

 

Sunday. That means church service. It’s time to worship God. The preacher will talk. “God this, God that. Jesus is our Lord and Saviour.”

They will preach about salvation, forgiveness. They preach the ‘Word of God’.

 

\--

 

Sunday. That means church service. It’s time to worship God. The preacher will talk. “God this, God that. Jesus is our Lord and Saviour.” They will preach about salvation, forgiveness. They preach the ‘Word of God’. But who is God really? Is it an old man with a thick white beard, sitting on a some golden throne in the cloudy heavens with angels surrounding him?

 

\--

 

Sunday. That means church service. It’s time to worship God, an entity I cannot believe in. The preacher will talk. “God this, God that. Jesus is our Lord and Saviour.” The latter is someone who -so we are taught- makes miracles happen. Sadly he could not save my friend.

They will preach about salvation, forgiveness. Yet, God or whoever is up there, cannot forgive us ‘sinners’, we homosexuals. What did we ever do wrong that has harmed anyone?

They preach the ‘Word of God’. But who is God really? Is it an old man with a thick beard, sitting on some golden throne in the cloudy heavens with angels surrounding him? If so, I hate him. Why is he so important that _he_ has to be written with a capital ‘H’? What makes him so special and important if he has never showed his face to those in need? To _me_? Why does God hate gays? Is that even true? How can priests -who are in my opinion not any better or more pure than the rest of us- know that?

 

\--

 

Sunday. Church service. Worship God. I cannot believe in him. Preacher talks. “God this. God that. Jesus. Our Lord and Saviour.” My friend could not be saved. Was it because he’s a homosexual? Does he not deserve to be saved? Will I not be saved when the time comes?

What salvation? What forgiveness? I didn’t experience any of those.

 

\--

 

Sunday. Church. Hate. Hate. Lies. More lies. Intolerance, disguised in ‘Words of Truth.’

More of this and I’ll break.

**_"We were born sick," you heard them say it_ **

 

_“Don’t be fooled, my son. They’re not one of us.”_

_“Why’s that?”_

_“They’re…different. They’re filthy.”_

_“I agree. Beasts disguised in human skin. Be aware that they could even be among us!”_

_“But do not worry, with a bit of help these ‘monsters’ can be turned. Turned so they won’t harm us anymore.”_

 

_\--_

_“Did you hear that? Neighbour Kaarlonen is apparently one of them.”_

_“O-Our teacher?”_

_“Oh, uh, Olli! Well, you know mister Kaarlonen has been fired, right?”_

_“I thought he just found another job.”_

_“Well… ehm, anyway, you shouldn’t be here at this hour, my son.”_

_“B-but what’s going on? Why is mister Kaarlonen gone?”_

_“He had a secret. And one should never keep secrets. His secret was wrong. He’s one of those filthy people. One of those filthy homosexuals. I’m glad you’re not being taught by him anymore. Oh dear, imagine if he would’ve taught our son any longer! He might’ve turned!”_

_“What are homosexuals? Mooom? Daaad?”_

_“Don’t worry about it now, my son. You’ll understand once you’re older.”_

**_My church offers no absolutes_ **

**_She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."_ **

**_The only heaven I'll be sent to_ **

**_Is when I'm alone with you_ **

****

When Jani and I meet in my room, there’s not much to be said. We know each other well enough to barely bring up any spoken words. We have shared plenty of silent words After all, that’s safer than saying anything out loud. Yet I wish I could exclaim my love for Jani out loud.

 

I’ve made sure my door is locked and that the curtains are shut tightly. It makes the room a tad darker but that doesn’t really matter to me. Jani is the only light I need in my life. If he were to extinguish one day, I honestly don’t know what I would do. But now is not the time for such gloomy thoughts.

What’s important is that Jani’s here. He’s on my side. And he’s so close to me.

 

We stand next to the bed and he keeps his eyes locked with mine. He steps closer until our heads touch. He’s warm. I’m warm. My arms lock him against me. Soon I feel a hint of his heartbeat against me as we basically stand chest to chest.

But it isn’t enough. I want more. He wants more. Jani cups my face in his warm hands. His eyes are a bit glassy. Is he… crying?

 “Olli, I-,”

I cut him off: “I know. I know. Hush,” I whisper. “The walls aren’t so thick here.”

Jani chuckles and shakes his head while scratching the back of his head, causing us to lose some contact.

 “You’re right.”

Then he closes the too common distance between us and before I know it, he has gently pushed me onto the bed. I let myself fall onto the mattress and he falls on top of me. We both laugh wholeheartedly. It’s been quite some time since we did this together. Our actions are a bit awkward and clumsy but we love it nonetheless.

 

Finally, our lips meet. I’m almost ashamed how foreign Jani tastes. Yes, it really has been too long.

His scent, which has something wild yet tender to it, is this intoxicating already. It leaves me wanting more. More of the other man’s skin, more of his smell, his heart. I wanted to go deeper than skin, well so to speak.

I slightly hiss when I feel my lover’s tongue part my lips and dip into my mouth. Our kiss quickly deepens and I hook my arms into his neck, dragging him even closer to me. I have my eyes shut so I can experience it all with only my touch and smell.  

 _I love you_.

I swear I could taste each separate word on the tip of his tongue. But I’m afraid so I swallow them as quickly as they appeared. I hold on tight but then Jani parts way. He retreats and gives me a look. His genuine smile makes all my sorrows melt away, right then and there. Soon my lover’s found by my neck, carefully attacking it with ghost-like kisses. But as his ministrations go lower, his actions become a tad bolder. Not fierce enough to leave visible hickeys, though. That, alas, cannot be afforded. At least not in this spot, visible for the common folk in everyday life.

 Jani’s fingers fumble with my shirt. Button after button gets opened until my shirt falls open and my chest is bared. He can’t help himself but compliment my body. No matter how many times he’ll tell me I’m beautiful, every single time I’ll cherish his sweet words.

 My lover peppers my chest with kisses now. Each kiss is different. Each kiss makes me feel warm all over my body.

 Endeared, I let my fingers entwine with Jani’s shorter hair. While his mouth keeps in contact with my skin, his hands trail a bit upwards, caressing my arms before moving back to my chest.

  _Want to be here with you. Forever,_ he murmurs without making a sound. In a silent agreement, I nod.

**_I was born sick_ **

**_But I love it_ **

**_Command me to be well_ **

**_Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen._ **

It’s true that I’m gay. And I know it’s a sin. But it’s such a sweet, little sin and I love to indulge in it every chance I get. Because, what did I ever do wrong? Is loving someone so wrong? Is loving someone of the same gender so disgusting, so filthy? Did I or Jani ever hurt anybody else by loving each other?

Eventually I grew tired of all these questions so I came to love my so-called sickness.

If I were to be sick, then I’d rather be fully sick.

 

And so I’ve spent a few blissful nights with Jani. We would lay together in each other’s arms, saying nothing. It simply wasn’t necessary. We knew how much we wanted, needed and loved each other. And so we laid, silently, listening to each other’s hearts, hearing what they had to say. Since our lips couldn’t, we let our hearts speak.

Most of those nights, we didn’t wear anything at all. We didn’t need to. Only our naked bodies would warm each other enough. Besides, it’s the closest we could ever be.

 

Next to those few secrets nights, Jani and I spend more normal moments together as well. Often in the company of others, alas. Still, we dared each other side-glances, a meaningful brush over the fingers, a subtle smile.  

 

Yet, It was never enough but there was little we could do about it. Leaving our community was sadly enough not an option.

**_Take me to church_ **

**_I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies_ **

**_I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife_ **

**_Offer me that deathless death_ **

**_Good God, let me give you my life_ **

_“Dear God, I’m completely helpless and at your mercy. Dear God, please forgive me for what I’ve done. I know I shouldn’t have done such… vile things. I know I should’ve known better but it’s simply too irresistible._ He _is too irresistible to_ not _be in love with. What’s wrong with a little bit of loving another human? What is wrong with finding a new world in another man’s eyes? What is wrong with finding yourself at ease in another man’s embrace? What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? I know it’s oh, so wrong to love another man. Yet, I keep coming back for more. Dear god, help this hopeless sinner before it’s too late.”_

**_If I'm a pagan of the good times_ **

**_My lover's the sunlight_ **

**_To keep the Goddess on my side_ **

**_She demands a sacrifice_ **

 

Falling in love with Jani meant getting in trouble.

Being _with_ him would definitely mean consequences. But I was ready to carry them on my shoulders and so was my lover. We started our relationship as subtle as possible. No one did suspect a thing because no one wanted to believe we existed.

 

Maybe I used to be a believer but ever since I met Jani, I heavily doubted my God. Call it a lack of faith but Jani was my everything and he made me feel things, he made me feel _alive_ and _loved_. Unlike this God I always heard about.

So in order to fully love Jani, I had to sacrifice my God. I pushed him away. Further and further. Maybe I could never call him back. But Jani filled the ‘void’ that was left in me after I had rejected the old God. Honestly, my lover gave me so much more than all saints and Gods could ever give me.

****

**_Drain the whole sea_ **

**_Get something shiny_ **

**_Something meaty for the main course_ **

**_That's a fine-looking high horse_ **

**_What you got in the stable?_ **

**_We've a lot of starving faithful_ **

****

**_That looks tasty_ **

**_That looks plenty_ **

**_This is hungry work_ **

****

~~ Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe some secrets can’t be locked away forever. They’ve found out. All the wrong people found out. ~~

_~~~~ _

_ But here’s the thing: _

_ I just love Olli so much, maybe too much. My heart just cannot contain its excitement that it feels for this beautiful blond man that I can call my lover behind closed doors. _

_ Every day I wake up, I think of him. I think of that sweet smile. I think of the beautiful blue eyes of my lover. It’s like I’m looking at the clear untroubled sky for the first time every time I gaze into them. _

_ I think about his gentle hands. How they gesture, how they move and how they sometimes touch me. _

_ I think about Olli’s voice. The way he speaks and the way his lips move as he pronounces each word. _

_ Oh, dear, I love him so much it’s almost unbearable to not express my love to him. _

__

_ So unbearable.  This horrible heartache caused by a closeminded, fucked up society that only sees the world in black and grey. They cannot fathom the beauty of multiple colours. They cannot comprehend so they are afraid and repulsed. _

_ And so I cannot let my heart sing for Olli. I cannot express my love for Olli although he deserves it so much. He deserves all the love in the world and I want to give it to him but this society doesn’t let me. _

__

_ I want to tell Olli he’s beautiful in every single way. I want to tell him every little blemish, every little bruise and every imperfection and flaw of him is okay and that he doesn’t need to be more than just himself. He is enough. Olli is enough. _

_ Oh, I want to hold him in my arms, protect him, cradle and soothe him. I want to caress that cheek when he’s afraid or upset. I want to brush away the secret tears that roll out of his blurry eyes when he thinks no one hears or sees him cry. I want Olli feel loved and wanted. I want to love him with everything I got. I think every single cell in my body wants to be with him. _

__

_ I probably don’t make sense but I blame love for that. _

_ I blame love for making me a troubled mind. For making my mind so clouded. But oh so lovely clouded by one single person. _

_ I blame love for making me reckless. And the latter has caused such a big problem. _

__

~~ So now the others have found out about me. They know I’m a homosexual. A sinner, a monster, something that shouldn’t live. I knew being in a relationship with Olli would mean making certain sacrifices but I didn’t think _or better_ I _didn’t want to think our lives would be on the line._ Yes, I was blind and stupid but oh so _in love_.  ~~

~~~~

~~ Olli is at his home, safely. People might suspect him being gay but there’s no evidence as far as I know. Unless those bastards picked up on all the hints. But what’s most important now, is that Olli is safe. Sadly enough, I am not. Darn, why did my tongue slip? Why did my actions become so bold? Maybe it was because I couldn’t stand it anymore. Maybe I couldn’t stand hiding away and living my life by someone else’s rules.  ~~

~~ Why must I live separated from the rest of the neighbourhood? I’m afraid. So afraid. But I won’t let them get to Olli. I won’t let them near him and I won’t leave any trails behind that could lead to him being outed against his will. I don’t want Olli to suffer for my sins and my stupid actions. I don’t want him to go through the same thing as me, whatever that might be.  ~~

~~ I will bury this diary and the secrets it keeps. Maybe I should even burn it all to ashes, just to be sure. ~~

~~~~

~~ Oh lord, they’re coming for me. I think I can already hear them. That’s not just two people I hear. That’s a whole group, whole _gang_ I suspect them to have brought their sticks and baseball bats with them. I know they love to play that game in their spare time, except this time my head will be serving as a ball. ~~

~~ Is this my _real_ punishment? Is this the _real_ sacrifice I must make?  ~~

~~~~

~~ Is it pathetic to now pray to a God I never believed in? Is it pathetic to beg him for mercy and spare me?  ~~

~~~~

~~ The only real thing I’m sure of now is that I love Olli with my whole being. I love him so much and not even a few aggressive people can change that. ~~

~~ My only and biggest regret is that I could never say ‘I love you’ out loud. And my biggest fear is that I might not be able to see Olli’s face anymore and that I can’t say goodbye to him anymore. ~~

~~~~

~~ Please, someone, have mercy on me. Please, let me be reunited with my lover one day, somewhere. ~~

****_Take me to church_  
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies  
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife  
Offer me my deathless death  
Good God, let me give you my life

****

_“Dear God, I am beyond redemption, am I not? I have gone too far and now my lover’s gone. The sun doesn’t shine as bright as it used to be.  What am I supposed to do now in this unforgiving world? Why do I still turn to you, my God, a being I sworn to mistrust. A being I do not even believe in? Is it because of my strict upbringing? Do I, as my final defeat, finally turn to you in hopes of finding some kind of release? I’m at loss. Someone, please, save me.”_

**_No Masters or Kings_ **

**_When the Ritual begins_ **

**_There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin_ **

****

A young, blond man stares out over a lake. It’s past midnight and the moon stands proudly in the ink black sky. Only a few clouds and thousands of stars fill the night sky. There’s a soft breeze whistling through the environment. The young man spreads his arms as if he tries to contain the whole lake at once. Of course, it’s impossible to do so. But he can try. He can always try. Just like he did before some unfortunate events ripped apart the world he once knew. Before it torn apart the man he once knew and _loved_.

 

Olli closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. _Soon_. He takes a few steps closer to the lakeside. He doesn’t take off his shoes when he steps into the water. His footwear becomes almost immediately heavy, pulling him into the sand but Olli doesn’t mind.

 Before he knows it he’s already in the lake on knee length. The water is cool and refreshing.

May it drown all his sorrows and fears.  

 

**_In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene_ **

**_Only then I am human_ **

**_Only then I am clean_ **

**_Ooh oh. Amen. Amen. Amen._ **

 

I’m free. There are no boundaries here. There is no despair here. There is no hatred here.

Only an unspeakable, almost uncomprehensive calmness fills this darkness. But the darkness is not bad. It never truly was. In the darkness I knew comfort. In the darkness I found and felt my lover.

 

And now it’s like I can feel him again. His warm, soothing presence. Is he cradling me? Is he lulling me to sleep?

The coolness wraps around me like steady hands that turn soft and warm all of a sudden. In the water I can see his eyes take shape.

_“Am I dreaming?”_

_“You’re not, Olli.”_

_“Are you real?”_

_“Maybe.”_

_“You’re more real than God ever will be.”_

_“That’s funny.”_

_“Just like your funeral.”_

_“Silly.”_

_“Silly. I know. And that’s why I-,” I need air. Breathe, Olli, breathe. I can’t. I’m sinking._

_“You can say it. No one can hear us here. It’s just the two of us.”_

_“I, I don’t know… after all this time, it just seems so unreal to me.”_

_Jani smiles at me and I can’t help but smile back._

“I love you,” I cry.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everything was a bit clear.  
> So we have the present (The funeral and the very ending of the fic)  
> Flashbacks (olli's childhood, sort of olli before he meets jani where he is still kinda religious, olli and jani together)  
> The underlined part is Jani's final diary entry


End file.
